Filed under: Conciousness, Uncategorized | Tags: crazy, huxley, insanity, literature, paranoia, sanity
I’ve spent most of my teenage years searching for something profound. Something to change my life. I’ve read books, watched movies, read poems, examined my surroundings, waiting for that one epic epiphany that will bring my existance to whole and make me understand all that has been put before me. I look everywhere. Street signs, t-shirts, childrens books, the shape of a car, the way a Christmas tree’s lights blink in a window, the older man who works at the movie theater, the way a bird weaves behind trees as it flies. I trail off into thoughts about these things, hoping to one time find the key that unlocks the deep portals of my brain that normal men can’t reach. I continue to search for that profound life changing moment when it all comes together like a jigsaw puzzle and I can finally reach the points in my brain that have been previously unreachable.
I’ve spent an equal amount of time wondering if I’m right on the edge of sanity. Is something going to throw me over the edge into a pit of madness? This is why I’m equally excited and terrified to unlock my brain. If I do, will I uncover a mental illness? Some underlying schizophrenia that was otherwise undetectable? This is the thing that wakes me up in the middle of the night, sweating, breathing heavy, sitting up in bed in a state of confusion and terror. I am cought between my love of thought and my love of sanity. If I think too much, will I go insane? Is that what happened to Charlie Manson? Did he think too much, and one day find the think that both unlocked his brilliance and his insanity? Am I going to be Charlie Manson? Probably not. But until I have that life awakening epiphany, nobody knows if I will or will not. Maybe I’m not meant to be sane. Maybe sanity is overrated. Maybe the only true life ot live is one of madness. Its possible. If I do access that part of my mind, and it does cause me to go insane, then was it really meant to be any other way? I know that either way, I won’t stop searching. Ever. I will always attempt to find that key. The ever elusive mind opening thought that kicks open the door to my conciousness and brings me to full awareness. You know, they say “Total paranoia is total awareness.” And nobody is more paranoid than the mentally ill. Maybe they’re the only ones who are really brilliant. Thats probably why they start laughing for no reason. They’re laughing at us. And they have every right too. We’re their mice. We’re their sheep. They are the Gods. We are mortals.
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